Things I'll never say
by miw
Summary: Lovino has finally admitted to himself that he'd fallen in love with Antonio. But will he ever admit it to him? At least, it seems really difficult.


Hi there! It's my second Hetalia fanfic and in English! And yeah, it's songfic.

Pairing: Spain (Antonio) x South-Italy (Lovino)

Song: Avril Lavigne - Things I'll never say

Rate: T for kissing etc.

Genre: Romance, light angst and fluff

I wrote it mostly in present tense, so it could be weird to read, but I hope it wont bother too much. :'D And another thing. My mother tongue isn't English, so there must be some grammar mistakes. If you find some, tell me please. I can't learn if I do same mistakes again and again.

Hope you enjoy! :3

* * *

**Things I'll never say**

"U-um… Antonio.."

I stand at side of a huge tomato field. Antonio's there, picking up tomatoes, whistling cheerfully like he always does.

I tug my hair nervously, like high school girls at their first date and stop it in that moment when the thought came into my mind. My eyes wonder to ground and I glance under my eyebrows to him. I see how he turns and stares at me, smiling.

_I-I can't, damn it! I can never say it._

I start to feel stupid just standing there.

_This is so unlike me! Why I'm even trying?!_

Nervously, I start to pull my clothes instead of hair, but I realize that it's girlish too. Now my hands are shaking.

I let a shaky sigh and swallow. I raise my head and my eyes meet his.

_Okay, now. Breathe, there's no need to be so tense... Who's the one I'm lying to, damn it?! _

"Lovii~~" Antonio shouts happily.

_Oh shit! This is too hard! I really can't!!_

I press my eyes close and feel sweat running on my forehead. And I'm definitely sure it isn't because of the sun. I think this is so-called cul-de-sac.

"Lovi? Are you okay?" He asks in a bit worried tone.

_No, I'm not okay, idiot! And you don't have to tell me it__, I know full well it shows. Damn it!_

He walks towards me.

_Don't come here, bastard! Now it's even harder for me!_

I can't watch him anymore. I stare at my feet.

"Lovinito?"

He runs. I see his feet when they stop in front of me. His hand comes to my reddened cheek and tries to raise my head to see his worried… eyes. No, I can't watch him into eyes now!

Stubbornly, I push my head down. I pant slightly. It's too hot. Suddenly he appears in front of me. No, beneath me. My eyes grow wider and I step back.

"_Bastard!" _

It's only word I could say. This isn't going too well.

"But Lovi, are you sick? Are you not feeling well? Maybe you should go inside."

My head spin. I try to find words inside my head, but the feeling, when he stands in front of me...

"I… I… I-I-I… I..", I mutter silently. Words just aren't coming out from my mouth.

_It's so fucking HARD!!_

"Lovino? Do you want to tell me something?" Antonio whispers, like not wanting to scare, and comes few steps closer. "I'll listen you." I hear that he's smiling his usual, happy smile. I love that smile. He walks to me and bend down. I gasp when I suddenly feel his warm, soft lips on my neck. My heart starts to beat its way from my chest. He butterfly kisses his way up… kiss to my corner of mouth.. and.. lips. I can't - _breathe_.

"_STOP IT! Bastard!"_ I push him roughly off me. And that's just when I realize that there would have been one of the greatest moments for me, but I wasted it.

When I'm going to learn, damn it?! I wipe my tears from my red cheeks. When I started to cry? This is so… so fucking annoying!

Why I'm always trying to be so perfect?! But anyway, it's no help to try run away, it's part of my personality. And it wouldn't allow such things like being too honest. Even for the one I… Why?! If I'm not ready to say things like they are, why I'm even trying?

_Cause I know he's worth it._

He's worth it.

Yeah.

**

I lay on my bed. The moonlight is lighting my dark room trough the curtains. I bury my face into my palms and sigh. Things what happened earlier today are spinning in my head and I can't get sleep. I feel awful. I _hate_ being in love.

Maybe things aren't going to chance ever. I just think that if I could say what I want to say, I'd say that he really is important for me, although I'm not good at showing such emotions like love. And for once, I'd be the one who says 'I love you'. But just thinking about things like that is really awkward. So maybe I'm really living my rest life like this. Being a prisoner of love.

**

I shudder and wake slowly up.

_Why there's so cold..? _ I think and gaze into the darkness. I glance at window, but it's closed.

_Hm. That bastard still don't have heating, and because of him I have to froze at night. _

I collapse back to my bed and close my eyes. I think how nice it would be with you every night, your warm body keeping me comfortable.

I press my eyes close and bite my bottom lip.

I take my pillow into tight embrace.

I bury my face into it, and think it's you.

"_Antonio.."_ I whisper.

"_Am I squeezing you too tight?" _My bed creaks. Someone leans upon me and whispers

"_Of course not, mi amor." _ And before I'm even recognizing it's him, my lips are stolen.

I'm completely out of breath when he breaks the kiss. He sits on me and licks my neck. Silent moan is drawing out from my mouth. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer. His heart is beating. _B-dmp. B-dmp. _This feels so right. I open my mouth and let the words flow out.

"_Antonio, I love you so much.."_

I snap my eyes open and sit up quickly.

_Uh-huh. I-it was a dream.. _

The sun is climbing to the sky, early birds are singing and the weather is perfect. But I feel like crying.

**

I'm staring at nothing. I just ate my breakfast, but I still sit at table. I hear footsteps coming to the kitchen and then a long yawn is heard.

"Good morning, _mi amor~!_" Antonio says happily and comes to give me a morning kiss. This time, I don't do anything. I'm just staring blankly. He's already starting to do his breakfast, but then he stops. Silence.

"Lovi..?" He asks with a bit worried tone. "Are you really okay? You were acting weirdly yesterday too." I'm not saying anything.

He's asking me again. Now he really is worried. I see it from his face. He's shaking me slightly on my shoulders. I just stare.

"_Lovi?! For goodness sake, what's happened to you?" _

Feels like there's mist between us and I can't hear him properly. He kisses my cheek and hugs me tightly. I blink my eyes and come back to reality. I hug him back.

"Lovi? Oh.. Don't worry me like that anymore!" His smile is filled with relief. He continues with his breakfast.

_There was the second chance. Will there ever be the third?_

**

I find myself lying at couch, it's siesta time. Normally I would think it's finally siesta time, but now it's more like _'Oh shit, it's siesta time'_. I've picked tomatoes all day alone, not because Antonio asked, but because I wanted to. I didn't care his begs that I would let him come with me, this time I really wanted to be alone. He was worried, again, but let me do it alone. It was good, so I had peace. But now, when I'm just lying here doing nothing I have time to think about things again. It don't do me any good. And it's just a waste of time.

"Let me know what you're thinking, Lovi. You're never looking that serious." Antonio says to me. He lies next to me. (I said him again that couldn't he just let me alone, but he said he'd missed me all day, so here he is.)

"What use is it to you to know what's on my mind?" I ask him. He caresses my cheek gently and slides his thumb on my lips. His eyes meet mine.

_Chance number three. Say it! Now, really. Say it, damn it! __If it ain't coming out, we're not going anywhere! It's going to be like this forever!_

"I guess… nothing." He smiles at me. "If there's really something important you just would tell me, _right_, Lovi_?_"

"Right.."

_So, why can't I just tell you that I care?_

**

"Lovi~ I made pasta just for you, so why don't you come eat with me?" Antonio sits on the edge of my bed. I'm really tired, but if he really made it for me, I have to eat it too. I realize that something is really wrong with me. Normally my logic is 'Okay, I come because of pasta' now it is 'Okay, I come because of you'. I've really became all lovey-dovey.

I get up and walk to the kitchen after him. The pasta smells really good. Suddenly I realize that I'm really hungry.

We sit together at table, filled to the very brink. I drink my wine glass empty.

"Thank you.." I sigh.

"You're welcome, Lovi~" He's happy. "Can you say something else too? For once? Please, Lovi~?" I open my eyes and stare at him, shocked.

"W-what?"

"Can't you say it?" He pouts.

_N-no. No! I can't!_

"You always say thank you, but you're never saying it was good. I'd love to hear that even once." Oh.. It was just that.. W-well..

"O-okay. It was really good, I liked it a lot. Thank you. Happy now, damn it?"

"Oh… Thanks. I.. didn't expect that from you."

_He didn't expect. Well, sorry then. _

"Good night." I stand up and walk quickly to the kitchens door.

"Wait!" Antonio takes few running steps and turns me to meet his eyes. "Lovino can you sleep with me this night, please?" He smiles at me. I feel how my cheeks are getting warm.

_If I answer now like 'Of course!', he'll get worried again…_

"..Maybe…" He hugs me and laughs gently.

"You're so cute, Lovi. I'm coming soon, I just put these dishes away."

_So this night isn't going to be cold._

**

I'm already lying under the blanket. Antonio comes to his room and smiles at me before he takes his clothes off. He slips under the blanket and scoots nearer me. He studies my face, like trying to remember it forever. His finger lifts very gently my hair off my eyes. And then, very slowly, he kisses me. I close my eyes and let him kiss me. I know that he's trying to hold his breath as long as it's possible but soon he breaks from the kiss and my eyelids flutter open. Why he's just staring at me?

"I-is something wrong?" I ask him. And then the smile comes back to his lips. "Of course not, mi amor!" He places a little kiss on my lips and lies down. Oh, déjà vu. Suddenly I find myself from his warm embrace.

_Just if it could be like this forever._

The last kiss today is placed on my forehead. "Good night, Lovi~"

"Good night…" I mutter.

_Am I going to say it, or not? Damn it!_

**

Next morning. I wake up happily and get myself clothes. Antonio isn't in the bed anymore, but maybe he's making breakfast. Although I'm really cheerful now, I'm not going to sing or whistle or dance of joy, so I just walk basically to the kitchen. The table is full of delicious looking food. But one thing is missing. Where's Antonio?

I tried to find him everywhere. But didn't find.

"Antonio?" I call him. Silence. No answer.

_Damn it! Stupid bastard. What if he's not hearing it? I have to shout louder._

"**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo!!**" I shout on the top of my lungs.

_H-hey.. He's not here right now, so maybe I can… _

"**I**… **love**-" The door clicks open and Antonio comes inside. I panic. "-**tomatoes!**"

He stares at me, until he breaks up laughing. I blush.

_This is so embarrassing. Damn it!_

"Don't laugh at me, bastard!" I shout and storm away.

"Hey, Lovi.." He runs after me and stops me by catching my wrist.

"Don't!" My cheeks are burning. He pulls me into hug. I try to push him away, but he's hugging me really tight.

"Bastard! Get off-"

"Shh, Lovi. It's okay." I relax a bit, but don't hug him back. "I love you, Lovi." I sigh.

_Me too…_

"M-me…" He doesn't move. He's listening. "…"

_I can't. I've embarrassed myself enough just moment ago._

"I mean…" I press my eyes close. "I-I'm hungry!" I push him away and walk quickly to the kitchen.

Really, what's wrong with my tongue?! Words just keep slipping away… I stutter, I stumble. It fucking looks like I've got nothing to say. It's funny how hard it actually is just say 'I love you, too'.

**

I'm sitting alone on a hill. Sun is setting into the ocean. It's almost time to go to sleep, but I'm not tired. I slept well last night.

"Lovino~!" I hear how you're shouting me. I glance behind me and see you running towards me. I let a tiny smile crawl on my lips.

I feel like you know. You know I love you. But if I don't say it to you, you don't understand it.

But one thing is pretty important for me; I've admitted to myself that I love you. There have been times when I denied it. I thought it's impossible for me. But my love has grown stronger. You've done it. Every single kiss, hug… everything you did for me has built my love for you. But it's too early. I can't admit it to you.

You're almost reached me. Out of breath, but still running. Still smiling.

If I could say what I want to see, I want to see you go down on one knee and marry me. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I can't help it. I've really fallen into you.

But even thought I really want you to know my true feelings… Things are going pretty well like they are.

You sit down next to me. Your smile is so warm. It's good that your eyes are closed, so I can do this…

I lean forward and gently brush my lips against yours. I can imagine how your eyes snap open. It's just little kiss, but big because it's given from me. I break the kiss and watch you into the eyes. Your eyes are shining at the last sunrays. So beautiful.

"L-Lovi..?" I smile. Bastard.

"You know."

"What?"

Oh, well.

Guess I'm wishing my life away with these things I'll never say…

Because these things I'll never say.

* * *

Here you go! Comments are always happy surprises, positive comments are more than welcome, critic keeps my foot on the ground. Thank you for reading! :)


End file.
